Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize
