nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
