She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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