Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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