I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
