You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
