He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
