did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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