You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
