I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
