Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
