eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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