I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
