I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
