They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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