i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Houston, we have a blender
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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