His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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