True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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