I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
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