I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
