The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
