i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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