I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
