Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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