Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
