he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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