Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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