I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
