I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
