Apparently you make a good broom.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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