i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
