My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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