I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
