Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
