I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Come see our sink grown plant.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
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Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
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Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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