Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
