He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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