i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
