The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Floor bacon is actually really good
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
