Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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