My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
