She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
