you guys were way drunker than both of me
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
