i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
