He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
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