Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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