What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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