Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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