I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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