woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
