can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
