I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
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I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
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I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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