the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Me. At least after what I've been through.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
FUCK WHALES
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
