I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
