I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i came on her dog
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
