This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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