his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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