either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
